B"H

So many of us know what it feels like to grow for a while and then plateau. We work on something, it gets easier, and then we settle in. Life feels manageable again. And then something comes along that touches a deeper place, and we realize there is more room to grow.

This week in our Wednesday class we learned Chapter 15 of the Tanya, and it speaks right into that experience.

Listen to the 20 minute teaching on Spotify:

Two Kinds of Benoni

The chapter opens with a verse from the prophet Malachi about the difference between "the one who serves G-d and the one who does not serve Him." We have been learning about the tzaddik, the rasha and the Benoni, the person in the middle who is still living with an inner battle but does not let it take over. Here the Tanya teaches something new. There are actually two kinds of Benoni.

The first is called an oved Elokim, one who serves G-d. This is written in the present tense. He is in the middle of the work. He notices when an old pattern comes up, an old fear, an old belief about himself, and he chooses again how to respond. It is real effort, and it is ongoing.

The second Benoni is described as one who "does not serve Him." On the outside he looks wonderful. He learns, he does mitzvot, he is careful with his words. But he is not stretching himself. Maybe this is simply his nature, or maybe he worked hard in the past and his habit became second nature. Either way, what used to be a challenge is now his comfortable baseline, and he stays there.

The Gemara gives a beautiful example. In those generations it was normal to review your learning one hundred times. The one who reviews one hundred times is called "one who does not serve." The one who reviews one hundred and one times is "one who serves." One more time. That is all. But that one more time is the step beyond what is normal for me, and that is where service lives.

There is a second example about a donkey driver who charges one coin for ten miles but double for the eleventh mile. The donkey, the chamor, is our physical and animal side. And notice that the donkey is rented, not owned. We will never fully own or transform our animal soul. But we can hire it to serve G-d. We can see the fear, the shame and the old protective patterns, and still not let them sit in the driver's seat.

Go Forth, With Love

This week's Torah portion, Lech Lecha, gives us the same lesson. G-d tells Avraham to leave his land, his birthplace and his father's house. Our land, eretz, is connected to ratzon, our will and the way we think our life is supposed to look. Our birthplace is the culture and the ways of being we grew up with. Our father's house is the patterns and beliefs we absorbed at home. Again and again, life gently bumps up against these places. Not to hurt us, G-d forbid, but to show us that we are capable of so much more than we thought.

But here is the part that brought me so much comfort, and I want to make sure you hear it. The chapter ends by saying that this work is meant to come from awakening love, the hidden love for G-d that is always in our hearts. Not from pushing. Not from perfectionism. Not from the inner critic telling us we are not good enough.

When we stretch from shame, there is no peace inside. When we stretch from love, the same effort feels completely different. Sometimes stretching means doing more. And sometimes, especially for those of us who are used to pushing hard, stretching means slowing down, being honest about where we are, and letting ourselves be loved even when we choose to rest. G-d knows our hearts. Growth that is gentle and sustainable is real growth.

So this week, I invite you to ask yourself: where is my one hundred and first time? And can I take that step with tenderness?

The full class, with reflection questions, lives inside the Light Warrior Circle.

With love,
Miriam